


When You Were There

by Icarus (Slickarus)



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst but you know it's gonna work itself out, M/M, They literally went to my high school, high school reuinion, the gang's all here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2018-12-10 10:51:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11690094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slickarus/pseuds/Icarus
Summary: my god, this reminds me of when we were youngIt would be an understatement to say that Hanschen was nervous for his high school reunion. It's been ten years since the biggest mistake of his life, and he doesn't know whether he can face the past again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with another song-related fic. This one is Adele's When We Were Young. The school that Hanschen and friends went to is very very based on my own boarding school, although the reunion stuff has a little speculation thrown in.

Even after ten years, the road was as familiar as ever. Hanschen maneuvered the intersection and heard Anna gasp in the seat next to him as he pulled through the brick front gates and started down the long drive.

“Hanschen, I knew you went to boarding school, but I didn’t know it would be like this.” Anna peered out the window towards the twin dorms facing each other across the road. “It’s like every movie about boarding school that I’ve ever seen.”

With familiar motions, Hanschen steered around the main circle and followed the signs telling him where to park - right outside the admissions house. Blue and white balloons were everywhere- even tied to the fence of the-

“Your school has a _graveyard?”_

“Uh, yeah. We would-”

“That’s _so_ cool.”

“We used to hang out here when it was a clear night because you could see all the stars, and no one would bother us because, you know, graveyard.” They got out of the car and followed another set of signs towards the check-in. A peppy alumni worker greeted them.

“Welcome back! Which reunion are you here for.”

“The, uh, ten year? I’m Hans Rilow.”

“Wonderful.” She found his name on a folder and handed it to him. “Will you need a map?” He forced a smile.

“I think I can find my way around, thank you.”

“Alright, then. The opening dinner starts at 6:30 in the faculty lounge, and the schedule for the next two days is in that folder. There should already be sheets and towels and things like that in the room, and if there aren’t, there should be a reunion helper in the dorm. Do you have any questions?”

Hanschen didn’t. They got back into the car to go park in the dorm parking lot.

“Did you ever live here?” Anna gazed up at the red bricks.

“Senior year,” he replied, grabbing their bags out of the trunk. “Room 308.”

They were on the first floor, however. Hanschen had to sit down on one of the twin beds because he couldn’t stand; his heart was beating too quickly.

“Are you okay?” He nodded, taking a few deep breaths.

“Fine; I’m just nervous. It’s been a while.” Anna patted his shoulder comfortingly.

“Do you want to go look around while I unpack?”

“You’re sure you don’t want to come with me?”

“We’ve got two whole days to explore. You get your bearings, then tomorrow you can give me the full tour.” She smiled softly at him.

He began to head down the hall, politely waving at a few other alumni who weren’t from his year, and headed towards the stairs. It was as if he was being drawn by some invisible force. He didn’t know why, but he had to see it - just to remind him that it had all been real. His footsteps echoed in the stairwell as he mounted the familiar flights up to the top floor. It was empty here; no one would make their alumni walk this far. He worried that, because it was summer and no one was here, the doors would all be locked. But he still kept moving down the hallway until he came to the nameless door.

308.

He hesitated, unsure of whether it would even be unlocked. But the metal knob clicked as it turned and the door swung open, and Hanschen was flooded with the room as if ten years had never passed.

_“Just tell me what’s wrong, Hansi.” Hanschen stiffens at the other boy’s touch on his back. He only calls him Hansi when he knows something is really wrong. He sniffles and gets snot on his jacket, but he doesn’t care - it’s a rental, anyway._

_“You don’t need to be chained to me for the rest of your life.” Hanschen takes a moment to gasp in air. “I need to let you go.”_

_“You don’t mean-”_

_“You’ve got your whole life, I don’t want you to be worried about me. You’ll be all the way across the country.”_

_“You can’t be serious. There are ways to make it work, there are-”_

_“We can’t make it work!” The words come out of him like a slap to the other boy’s face. “You don’t want me for forever. You don’t. You can say you do but you don’t.”_

_“Shouldn’t I be allowed to decide who I want to love?”_

_“We’re eighteen. You’re better off forgetting me.”_

_“I don’t see why we still can’t talk, Hansi, you’re being ridiculous.” Hanschen knows he needs to protect himself. If they stay friends, it’ll kill him every day. He shakes his head._

_“Goodbye.” ‘I love you’ is perched on his lips, but it won’t make the leap. He stares at the floor until he hears the door close and he collapses on the bed._

Hanschen didn’t realize how long he’d been leaning on his old mattress (the bed hadn’t even changed positions) until he felt his phone buzz with a text from Anna asking if he was okay. He rubbed at his raw eyes and shut the door behind him.

Anna didn’t have to ask him any questions when he got back to the room; she let him change in silence and they headed over to the dinner.

The first thing that Hanschen noticed wasn’t how many faces he recognized, but how many he didn’t. There were a lot of younger faces (the five-year reunion had the best turnout) and plenty of older ones (he forgot that the school used to be all boys). He found his name at one of the tables and luckily Anna was put right next to him. Surprisingly, there was only one other member of his class at the table - some guy he didn’t really know and his wife. The guy remembered him, though, and they made polite conversation because the rest of their table mainly talked about how much the school changed. The current headmaster gave an address but Hanschen was too busy scanning the room to focus. _Maybe nobody came_.

After the speech, the older attendees began to disperse, and Hanschen got up to explore the dessert station, because he might be an adult now, but those brownies still looked as tasty as they did back in the day. He was interrupted, however, when he felt someone nearly tackle him into the desserts.

“Hanschen!” The person sang far too loudly for the tiny room. Hanschen felt his face go red as the well-meaning alumni turned to look at him. He slowly turned his head around. He shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Melchior,” he said, smiling. No matter how awkward he felt, he was still glad to see a familiar face. The man in question looked nearly the same - his glasses were new, though. He had on the same mischevous grin as always. “It’s great to see you.”

“Likewise. It’s been so long, man.”

“Yeah.” Unsure of what to say, Hanschen looked over at the table where Anna chatted politely with an older gentleman. Melchior picked up on Hanschen’s distraction (of course he did).

“Do you mind if I join you?” Hanschen shrugged, grabbed a few desserts, and led Melchior Gabor back to his table.

“Anna, this is Melchior. My, uh, classmate.”

“So impersonal, Hanschen. I’m offended. Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Rilow.” Melchior stuck out his hand and Anna laughed.

“She’s, uh, we’re not married.”

“Hans and I met in college. He wanted a plus one, and I wanted to see his cushy boarding school.”

“You’re in the middle of nowhere all weekend - are you even dating _Hans_?” Anna shook her head.

“He’s really not my type. Like, _really._ ” Melchior shrugged.

“I feel like I haven’t seen anybody,” Hanschen said, changing the subject.

“Do you mean you feel like you haven’t seen _him?”_ Melchior laughed. “And yeah, not everyone’s here yet. I saw Moritz and Martha, but I think they left for the night. Wendla, Thea, and Georg are all coming tomorrow. And Otto’s over there-” Melchior gestured with his chin. “-Talking to the new headmaster.”

“And that’s it?” Hanschen’s face fell a little, but he tried not to show it.

“That’s everyone _I_ know about. But who knows, right?” Melchior patted Hanschen on the shoulder. “I’m gonna go see if Otto still remembers me.”

“Everyone remembers you, Melchior,” Hanschen said, but the other man had already left earshot. Hanschen sighed. “Are you ready to head back?” Anna nodded.

“Hey,” she said once they were outside. “What your friend said-”

“He’s not really my friend,” Hanschen interrupted.

“Fine. What that guy said about who was coming - don’t worry, okay?”

“Why would I worry?”

“If he doesn’t come, he doesn’t come. If he does, well, I’m here to support you.” Hanschen stayed silent. “Do you want to see him?”

“I don’t know,” Hanschen replied earnestly. “What if everything’s different? What if he hates me?”

“If he couldn’t forgive you, then he doesn’t deserve you.” Hanschen gulped.

“Or what if he’s married or something?” Anna rubbed his hand.

“Let’s get some sleep. Everything will work itself out tomorrow, I promise.”

“I hope you’re right.”


	2. Chapter 2

Hanschen woke up to the early sunlight streaming through the side of the blinds in the window. He remembered how it frustrated him to no end that the shades were just a few inches too small, but since he was used to getting up early, he didn’t mind anymore. After changing and writing a quick note for Anna, he strolled out of the dorm, hoping the door wouldn’t be locked when he came back. He stretched his arms up and over his head and took in the still-dewy green grass on the quad. They’d built a new dorm in the years since he graduated, but the grassy oval still brought back memories of his friends dragging him out to play frisbee, or setting up a hammock under the shade of the big trees.

His feet carried him down a familiar path to the trail that ran down through the woods and to the lake. He was flooded with memories of climbing down the creek that ran by the path and nearly slipping on the rocks a thousand times but never getting hurt. The sailboats by the lake were still lined up in perfect rows, and the only thing that had really changed was that there were more of them. He took a detour from his jog to go out to the dock behind the boathouse, only to discover there was someone already there.

“Hello?” The man turned around, and Hanschen recognized his face despite the ten-year difference. Otto Lammermeier sat on the edge of the dock with his feet hanging over the water, but not quite touching.

“Hansi Rilow! I’ll be damned. Come to enjoy the view?” He gestured to the picturesque lake that was still shining from the morning light. It looked too good to be real.

“I’m actually on a jog, and thought I’d stop by. How about you?” Hanschen joined Otto on the edge of the dock.

“I couldn’t really sleep last night, so I got up early and decided to walk down here. I think I only ever went to the lake on my own, like, twice when I was here.” He sighed. “It was always work, work, work, and look where I am now.”

“I thought you went to Yale.”

_ “Went  _ is the key word. I worked my ass off to get in, and then I couldn’t handle it. Had to drop out after two years, go back and live with my mom.”

“What do you do now?”

“I work at an office in DC. Nothing fancy. I actually just started taking classes again at the community college, though. I still wanna be an engineer, you know?”

“Hey, good for you.”

“I didn’t want to for a while because it always seemed like I was giving up. I didn’t want to show weakness; that’s how they get you. I thought that everybody wanted to crush me under their big corporate boots.” He paused. “Sorry I’m dumping all this on you. I guess I just looked up to you so much in school. You had everything and didn’t care at all. The grades, the college, the relationship.”

“Yeah, well, like you said, it didn’t really-”

“How did that story end, anyhow?”

“Excuse me?”

“You and Ernst. Are you, like, married with three kids or something?”

“No, we broke up.”

“Huh. Seems like a shame. You guys had something special.”

“Yeah, I’d, uh, appreciate not talking about this.”

“Sorry, man.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” Otto shook his head.

“I’m not exactly complaining, though. I have bigger things to focus on than my love life.”

“Can I be honest and say that I’m glad you’re single too? Because it seems like everyone in the world is married to someone else-”

“And you aren’t. I know the feeling. Like I said, though, it’s not so bad. I don’t really want to be in a relationship unless it’s with the right person. I don’t want to pretend to feel something I don’t.”

“Huh.” They stared at the water for awhile as it lapped up against the dock.

“It’s almost breakfast,” Otto said. “Didn’t I see you had a date?”

“It’s - she’s - she’s a college friend. But yeah, I should probably go get back to her.”

“And I don’t want to miss out on those bagels. I love that they pull out the stops for us. Everything’s so much nicer than when we were students.”

“True. I’ll see you later, Otto.”

“Yeah. Good luck, and everything.”   
“You too.” Hanschen got up and jogged back towards the dorm, leaving Otto to sit by the water a little bit longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I'm going to apologize in advance - I haven't finished this story yet. I'm doing my best, but in the meantime I hope you enjoy what I have so far. I always love hearing from you whether it be comments, kudos, or saying hey on social media. Also, I promise Ernst and everyone else will come into the story soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some more familiar faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, thanks for being patient with this update! I have no idea how long this fic will take, but i'm doing my best (I'm off to school tomorrow, so things'll probably be pretty slow - don't worry to much, though)  
> also I figure I should do a name note because I forgot to earlier - you'll notice that in the narrative prose, I call Hanschen 'Hanschen', but Anna (and probably most of the people he knows besides his friends) calls him 'Hans'. I decided to use Hanschen in the narrative because it's what you readers probably know him as and also he's sort of returning to his high school state of being, when he was called Hanschen (like most of his high school friends call him). IDK it's just a thing that kind of happened.

“There you are! I was worried that I’d have to go to breakfast all by myself, and then I’d get busted because I never went here, and then you’d come back and I’d be arrested and I’d ruin your whole weekend.” Anna laughed. “How was your run?”

“Good. Refreshing. More of a light jog, really. I went down to the lake.” Anna pouted.

“Without me?”

“We can go after breakfast. There isn’t anything important to do until around lunchtime.”

“I know, I was looking at the schedule. You didn’t mention your school having a farm.” Hanschen shrugged.

“It wasn’t such a big deal when I was here. I take it we’re going out there later?”

“It’s an optional thing. We can think about it after breakfast.”

The dining hall was fairly empty, especially compared to how Hanschen remembered it. They got breakfast and sat down at one of the round tables, the same one where his friends used to eat. It felt so big with nobody sitting at it. Hanschen sat facing away from the doorway so that he wouldn’t spend all of breakfast watching to see who came in.

“Mind if we join you?” Hanschen looked up and grinned when he saw Martha standing over him. Martha put her plate down at the table and Hanschen got up to hug her. “Is it just me, or have you grown?”

“He’s the same size he was last time,” Moritz said as he came to sit down beside her. “It’s only been three years.”

“You say that like it hasn’t been too long,” Martha pouted. She reached out to shake Anna’s hand. “Nice to meet you, I’m Martha, and this is Moritz.” He waved.

“Anna. I’m Hans’s friend.”

“Is he still single?” Moritz asked incredulously. Hanschen blushed.

“No. I mean, yes, but I haven’t been single the whole time.”

“So, which one of you went to school here?” Anna asked, changing the subject. They looked at each other.

“We both did,” Martha answered. 

“They weren’t even going out when we were in school,” Hanschen added. “So you can imagine what a surprise it was when they invited everyone to their wedding.” Moritz shrugged.

“We took our time.”

“More like we were dating other people in high school,” Martha laughed. “I met up with him after college, and the rest is history.” Hanschen felt his stomach twist with something like jealousy at how easy their love seemed, but he kept on a friendly face.

“What are you two planning to do today?”

“We’re trying to take it easy; it’s been awhile since we had the weekend to ourselves. So we didn’t really want to go to any of the panels this morning.” Hanschen nodded in agreement. He could probably find better ways to spend his time than listening to the school’s environmental advancements for an hour.

“I’m trying to convince Hans to give me a tour,” Anna said.

“You don’t need to convince me, I already said I would.” Martha grinned.

“Did you know he used to be a tour guide?” Moritz laughed.

“Remember when there was that super religious family, and you were so fed up with them that you kissed Ernst at the end? In front of all of us?” Hanschen forced himself to laugh.

“I’m surprised they let me keep leading tours, but I also think the kid decided to apply anyway.”

“If you’re giving Anna a tour, maybe we could tag along? It would be nice to take a walk around campus,” Martha said. Hanschen looked to Anna for approval, and she nodded.

“That could be fun.”

After finishing up their breakfasts and clearing away the dishes, they made their way down the hallway, with Hanschen doing his best tour guide voice and backwards walking.

“Welcome to the main hallway, where you’ll often see students studying in between classes and after school.” He added the sweeping hand gesture towards the empty chairs where the seniors liked to sit. Moritz and Martha did their best to play along.

“Excuse me, will my son be able to do his laundry?” Martha asked in a worried tone. “Edgar has never had to do it himself.” Hanschen folded his hands together and put on a dazzling smile.

“Yes, ma’am. There are laundry machines in most of the dorms, and during the first weeks the proctors are more than happy to help new students with their laundry. We also have a weekly laundry service if that’s too much for him to handle.”

“Hanschen?” He turned around and saw Thea standing all the way at the other end of the hallway (she did always have a flair for the dramatics).

“Thea! What are you doing here?” She raised an eyebrow.

“I’m at my high school reunion?” He was going to have to get used to seeing familiar faces around. She ran towards him and nearly sent him sprawling backwards when she jumped into his arms for a hug.

“Careful,” he grunted. “I’m not eighteen anymore.”

“Martha!” She cried out, ignoring Hanschen’s protests. “You look amazing!”

“Hello, Thea,” Martha said as she was pulled in for a hug.

“Moritz.”

“Hey.”

“Thea, this is Anna, my friend. Anna, meet Thea.”

“Friend?” Thea wiggled her eyebrows.

“I’m a lesbian,” Anna blurted, blushing. Thea laughed.

“What are you cats doing this morning?”

“Hansi’s giving us a tour, just like old times,” Martha said as Moritz took her hand.

“Can it be a group tour?” Hanschen shrugged.

“Why not?”

Hanschen kept up his tour-guide shtick a little longer, but after awhile he decided it wasn’t  _ that _ funny anymore. Luckily Thea was ever the conversationalist.

“Anyway, Hansi, I haven’t seen you in  _ forever. _ You’re a hard man to find.”

“It’s not like I’m living in the middle of nowhere. And I  _ have  _ a facebook.”

“That’s how we found him for the wedding,” Martha said, and Thea scowled.

“Well,  _ I _ didn’t see you online.”

“Did you remember to search for  _ Hans  _ Rilow?”

“Of course,” Thea said quickly, but her cheeks were turning pink. “Anyway, I’m so glad you’re here. I was worried this weekend would be a total drag.”

“Hey, what about us?” Moritz protested.

“For the record, I didn’t know you’d be here,” Thea said. “I thought you two lived in California or something.”

“We do, but we couldn’t miss the chance to come up here,” Martha replied. “I think I miss it more and more the longer I’m away.” Hanschen pushed open the double doors that led into the chapel and Anna gasped at the purple morning light filtering in through the windows.

“I think I missed the people more than the place.”

“Wow, Hanschen, I didn’t know you were such a sentimentalist.” Thea’s words hit Hanschen right in the gut as he remembered how many times he’d said them affectionately.

_ The bell that signals five minutes until check-in rings, but Ernst doesn’t make any move to get up. _

_ “I wish I played the piano,” he says instead. Hanschen follows his gaze to the one that’s sitting up on the platform, shining orange in the chapel lights. _

_ “What would you play?” _

_ “I don’t know. Something with a lot of notes.” Hanschen laughs. “I don’t want to go back to my dorm.” _

_ “You don’t have to,” he suggests. “You know, if you don’t mind detention.” _

_ “I’m pretty sure I’ll get something worse than detention if I’m out after hours.” Ernst stands up and pulls Hanschen to his feet. “And I don’t want to get kicked out.” _

_ “You won’t get kicked out,” Hanschen counters, but he lets Ernst take his hand and walk him out of the chapel. _

_ “I still can’t risk it. Where would you be if I left?” _

_ “You mean where would you be without me?” Ernst kisses Hanschen’s hand. _

_ “Lost. I’d be completely and utterly lost without you.” _

_ “You’re such a sentimentalist,” Hanschen jokes around the smile that’s forming on his lips. “You’d meet someone else, and forget all about me.” Ernst shakes his head. _

_ “I won’t. I’ll never. I love you, Hanschen.” They kiss, and Ernst laughs. “Maybe that did sound a little too sentimental.” _

_ “It’s sweet.” _

“Hans?” Anna was looking up at him. Everyone was staring. He realized he must have been standing there staring into space for longer than would seem appropriate. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, shaking his head to clear it. “Just reminiscing, I guess.”

“Sure, all my best memories are of chapel talks,” Thea joked.

_ “That’s  _ what we were here for?” Moritz said, with a feigned look of confusion. “I thought it was just naptime.” Everyone laughed, and Hanschen tried to forget the memories that still swirl around his head, as if someone was digging them up every step he took.

“Oh! You’ll never guess who’s going to be here this weekend!”

“Well, considering the fact that there are only so many people who went to our school, it’s pretty likely that sooner or later I will.” Thea rolled her eyes at Hanschen for disrupting her thunder.

“Anyway,” she continued, “I was talking to Georg and he said he’s bringing Ilse!”

“Ilse Neumann? Is she even allowed to come?” Anna looked to Hanschen for explanation at his friends’ excitement.

“Ilse was a girl in our grade who got kicked out our junior year,” he said. “I haven’t seen her since.”

_ “No one has,”  _ Thea said conspiratorially. “I heard she moved to Bulgaria for eight years.”

“Where did you hear that?” Thea shrugged.

“I thought she just went home,” Martha said. “But her parents were pretty strict, so she wasn’t allowed to talk to us. They thought we were corrupting her.” Moritz snorted.

“That’s rich. One time, Ilse dared me to jump in the lake with her. In January.”

“Did you do it?” Moritz shook his head.

“I didn’t know how to swim,” he admitted. “But it didn’t matter; when we got there, the lake was frozen over, so we skipped rocks across the ice.”

“Anyway, I’m excited to see her. Who knows if we’ll even recognize her.”

“I’m sure we will. I mean, we recognized each other, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, but you haven’t changed at all since high school, Hansi.” Martha ruffled his hair affectionately. “You even dress the same.”

“What time was that headmaster thing supposed to be?” Moritz asked, looking at his watch.

“Crap, it’s at eleven,” Martha said. “We’d better hurry.” Moritz nodded in agreement.

“Although, you have to admit, being late  _ would _ be just like old times.” They laughed as they hurried out of the chapel, and Hanschen tried to shake the memories that followed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear we're going to see Ernst in present times soon. Don't worry.  
> As always, kudos/comments make my day! If you're interested in something shorter, I have a ton of one-shots and also do take requests either here or on 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the second day of the reunion, and everyone Hanschen knew from high school is finally here. And that means everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe the last update was in September; I am so sorry. As you've noticed, I've definitely been working on writing other things, but I didn't want to leave this hanging. I promise it will be finished someway, somehow, I just don't know when. Thank you for your patience and enjoy the chapter.

The five of them weren’t late, but managed to slip into the music hall as the headmaster was walking onstage to start his address. They earned a few stern glances from older alumni as they moved to sit in the back rows, giggling like they were students again. Hanschen began to wonder if maybe they should have skipped this after all; the new headmaster was so droning and his speech was so poorly structured that Hanschen had a hard time following anything the man said - something about kayaking and building furniture? Was he speaking French? Hanschen heard Martha and Thea trying to hide their laughter beside him and looked to see Moritz sound asleep in his chair. Hanschen smiled fondly, and Martha leaned over to whisper in his ear.

“This is probably the best sleep he’s gotten in a while. If he wasn’t so excited about seeing you all, I’d be making him sleep through the whole weekend. I can’t remember the last time we went somewhere without the kids.”

Right. Hanschen had seen pictures on Facebook of the tiny, bright-eyed twins and Moritz pushing them around in the double stroller. Hanschen sometimes still couldn’t fathom how quickly everything had moved, even though it had been ten years. So long and yet so very short.

When the mind-numbing headmaster’s speech was over, the older alumni began to file into the aisles to leave.

“Moritz and I can run ahead and grab a table,” Martha offered, as Anna, Hanschen, and Thea were already trapped in the slow-moving stream of bodies headed for the exit. Hanschen waved his response and watched Martha and Moritz slip out of the back doors of the music hall. He turned back to see Thea craning her neck to look over the crowd of people.

“I’m trying to see if Ilse’s really here, or if Georg’s just a liar.”

“Who are you calling a liar?” The three of them did their best to turn towards the indignant voice of one Georg Zirschnitz, who had crossed through the row of chairs to get to them. Following close behind him was a figure that Hanschen could hardly believe.

“Ilse?”

“Oh, so you’ll say hello to her, but not to me?” Georg was ignored in favor of Ilse pulling both Thea and Hanschen into a fierce hug.

“God, you haven’t changed one bit,” she mused as she pulled away. “Well, that’s not true. You both look so old. And is this your wife?” She gestured to Anna and looked at Thea, who blushed.

“Oh - no - she’s just - uh,”

“This is my friend and date for the weekend, Anna,” Hanschen said.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Ilse reached out to shake her hand. “The pleasure is mine. I’m Ilse.”

“Yes, you’ve been mentioned briefly.” Ilse shrugged.

“I did leave on a rather dissatisfying note, as Georg has informed me. This is Georg, by the way.”

“Yes, where have you been, Ilse?”

“Maybe you could tell us at lunch?” Hanschen suggested. “Moritz and Martha are here and I doubt they’d want to miss it.”

After they managed to make their way to lunch, Hanschen spotted Martha and Moritz seated at a table, joined by Melchior, Otto, and Wendla Bergmann. They were all laughing and chatting happily, and Hanschen felt his gut twist. He’d separated himself from this part of his life in an attempt to rid himself of all the pain that breaking Ernst had caused him, only to have cut out some of the best friends he’d made in his entire life. Besides the wedding, he hadn’t seen any of them at all, and almost felt jealous at how close they’d all stayed without him. Ilse, perhaps sensing all of this, came up beside him and squeezed his hand.

“Like I said, Hansi, you haven’t changed one bit. And I know they haven’t either.”

“It’s been ten years, Ilse. Who knows how much they’ve changed in college alone?”

“Everything will be just fine; let’s sit down.”

Hanschen put on a brave face as they went through another round of greeting and hugging and introducing Anna who, no, was not Hanschen’s girlfriend.

“I happen to be single at the moment,” Hanschen mentioned to Wendla, who nodded and swallowed the question about Ernst that hovered on the tip of her tongue. Luckily for Hanschen, everyone’s attention was drawn to Ilse and her ever-mysterious proceedings among the past eleven years. He tucked into his lunch while she dramatically recounted her escapades: running away from home, joining the circus, becoming a model, getting married and then promptly divorced, on and on. Even Melchior listened silently to her stories. Everything was just as it had been in high school, and Hanschen found himself wondering why he’d worried so much. He was beginning to relax into the day when Wendla reminded everyone that they were taking their class photo out on the lawn in ten minutes.

“I’m going to go change while you all take your photo,” Anna said after they’d cleared their dishes. “I had no idea it would get this warm. You’ll be okay without me?”

Hanschen nodded. “It’s just a photo,” he said.

“C’mon, Hansi, you don’t want to miss out,” Melchior called, and Anna waved Hanschen off to follow his friends to the sunny lawn where the photographer was waiting with a few reunion coordinators and the other members of their class.

“Okay, everyone, I’ll do my best to make this as quick as possible,” the photographer kept repeating as she lined them up into neat rows with a banner that had their class year on it. “Okay, everyone, look at me!”

“Wait!”

Everyone turned their head to see the person running along the grass, and Hanschen’s heart stopped beating in his chest.

_ It couldn’t be. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks for reading! As always, leave comments/kudos or come visit me on any other platforms. And if you want more of my writing (and perhaps on a shorter time scale), I do take requests, so you can come hmu with those on my blog [ thatsilvermagic ](http://thatsilvermagic.tumblr.com).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Ernst appears, and Hanschen couldn't be less prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I'd forgotten about this fic, did you? Also a quick bit of terminology - 'preps' are what we called freshman. Seriously.

_Hanschen stares at the other kids with envy - or he would, if he wasn’t above that sort of thing. He definitely doesn’t stare too long at the grinning kids hugging their parents, saying how much they’re going to miss them. He definitely isn’t jealous of all of the kids for whom this is an exciting adventure and not just another opportunity for their parents to ignore them. He doesn’t wish at all that he was the boy getting embarrassed by his grandma taking pictures of him in front of the archway. Nope. Not one tinge of envy. Hanschen Rilow isn’t jealous at all._

_He’s sitting on the brick wall that runs in front of the school, the same place that he’s been sitting for an hour and a half. His father dropped him off at 9, the earliest possible time, and he didn’t really have much to unpack. He doesn’t have a roommate, but now he’s almost wishing he did because then he’d know one person. Even if that one person was the sloppiest, rudest person in the entire school._

_His stomach was twisting too much to have lunch, and he doesn’t know what to do or where to go. Everyone’s so caught up in the excitement of moving in that no one gives him a second glance. He knows orientation will be soon and that he’ll meet people then, and later in his classes, but right now he feels like his own solitary solar system, with not another star in sight._

_Maybe he won’t like any of these kids. Or worse, maybe none of them will like him. He’ll roll through four years just like at his last school, with no friends and nothing but his studies to keep him company. The thought makes his empty stomach churn._

_“Excuse me?” He hears a voice and turns to see a boy holding a box of school books that he must have just picked up. His t-shirt is tucked into his jeans, which are just too short for his lanky figure. “I got all turned around, do you know where Garland is?”_

_Hanschen wishes he did, but he shakes his head. “I’m just a prep,” he says._

_“Oh! Me too! Well, obviously.” The boy lets out a nervous laugh, and the twisting in Hanschen’s stomach begins to subside somewhat. “My name’s Ernst!”_

_“Nice to meet you. I’m Hanschen - uh, Hans.”_

_“Which is it?” Hanschen blushes._

_“Either one, I guess.”_

_“Which dorm are you in?” Hanschen gestures to his dorm, which is just down the driveway. “Oh! Lucky. I can’t remember exactly where mine is, but I know it’s not that close to campus.” Ernst pouts, but then his face immediately snaps back into a smile. “Do you want to come help me find it? That is, if you’re not waiting for anyone.”_

_“I’m not.”_

_“Great!” Hanschen jumps up off the wall to join Ernst in his quest to find his dorm. Ernst begins to tell him about the tribulations he’d had on the trip there, and Hanschen smiles to himself. If everyone here is like Ernst, maybe he won’t end up lonely after all._

“I’m sorry I’m late,” Ernst said through his grin as he jogged towards their group. The photographer quickly directed everyone back into position, but Hanschen found himself frozen to his spot. He’d been worrying, wishing, and fantasizing about this moment ever since he’d RSVPed for the reunion, and now that it was here, he had no idea what to do. He’d run through so many possible scenarios in his head of what might happen when Ernst appeared, but none of them had left him any more prepared for the smiling man that was squeezing into the photo between his friends.

“Everyone, look at me! One, two, three!”

Hanschen managed to turn and smile at the photographer even though his mind was anywhere but on that lawn. She snapped pictures from a few different angles until she finally announced that they were finished, and Hanschen’s brain rushed into a new bout of panic. He felt a hand on his back.

“Hanschen. Breathe. Smile.” Wendla whispered into his ear, and he obeyed.

“Ernst! I didn’t know you were coming,” Melchior said, always the one to speak first.

“I didn’t either,” Ernst admitted. “But at the last minute, I got the weekend off. Just in time to RSVP - so here I am! It’s good to see - all of you.” His eyes flicked over to Hanschen and lingered for enough time that Hanschen’s stomach tightened. “I didn’t know so many of you would be here.”

“It’s good to see you too,” Martha said, pulling Ernst into a hug. The rest of the group joined in with various greetings and hugs and handshakes. Ernst finally reached Hanschen, who had hung back behind his friends a bit.

“Hanschen,” he said, softer. “It’s good to see you.”

“Good to see you, too. I’m glad you could make it.” Ernst reached forward to pull him into a hug, and Hanschen forced himself not to try and hold it for longer than a moment - a brief, fleeting moment where he could pretend that the last ten years hadn’t happened and that he and Ernst were still seeing the future through rose-colored glasses. He really was glad Ernst had come, but he had no idea what to do or say now that he was here. How do you tell your high school sweetheart that you think you never stopped having feelings for him?

He could tell his friends were staring at them, expecting something. By now, they all knew what had happened, at least to some extent, but Hanschen just averted his gaze from Ernst and back to the group.

“What’s next on the schedule?”

Martha, ever the mom whipped a folded brochure out of her bag.

“Well the official tours with actual guides start in about fifteen minutes, and there should be busses to the farm soon. We have a class event there. Refreshments and games, it says.”

“Hell yeah,” Georg said. “I hope they’ve got that pear lemonade.”

“I need to stop by the dorm and find Anna before we go.”

“Who’s Anna?” Ernst said. Hanschen wondered whether he was just imagining the disappointment in Ernst’s eyes.

“A friend of mine. Just a friend.” And was he imagining Ernst exhaling in relief?

“You’ll love her,” Thea chimed in. “She would have fit right in if she’d gone here.” She added in a wink.

“Oh, got it,” Ernst said.

“We’ll walk with you, Hansi,” Otto said. “I don’t think I need the tour again.”

“Yeah, I know the place pretty well by now, not going to lie,” Moritz said.

They began to trudge back down the hill towards the dorm, and Hanschen was somewhere between relieved and disappointed to see Ernst roped into a conversation with Ilse and Moritz.

“Are you going to be okay?” Wendla asked, knowingly. It was like she had this sixth sense or something.

“I think so,” Hanschen admitted, but even he wasn’t completely certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, leave those sweet kudos/comments or come visit me on [tumblr](http://thatsilvermagic.tumblr.com) to say hi. I can't guarantee anything, but I will try to get the next chapter up soon.


	6. Chapter 6

Ernst was struck with two completely opposing realizations when he spotted Hanschen in the crowd of his classmates on the lawn.

The first was that Hanschen Rilow was a completely different man than the one that had left Ernst that fateful graduation day.

The second was that Hanschen Rilow still gave Ernst the exact same feeling that he did ten years ago, as if not a single day had passed.

After a few years, Ernst had begun to wonder whether his fondness for Hanschen was a greater nostalgia for his time at high school in general - a feeling he counted himself lucky to have. After all, many of his memories associated with Hanschen were those of swimming in the lake, walking the picturesque grounds, holding hands under the star-studded sky - the list went on.  Hanschen was his first love, and no matter how sweet that was, Ernst was sure that he would be able to move on and lump Hanschen in with everything from his teenage years. He was so sure of this that he routinely ignored any doubts that he had in his mind, any tugging inclinations that he was still in love with Hanschen. That would be ridiculous. So he did his best to distract himself, focus on his studies, find a decent job and a decent wife, and settle down. It wasn’t exactly the life he’d pictured for himself, but it was a life that someone should be proud of. So then why couldn’t he bring himself to contact his old classmates, or to invite them to the wedding?

Ernst was neither surprised nor incredibly disappointed when his wife divorced him, but it was certainly inconvenient. They both knew something was missing from their marriage, so Ernst packed and moved back across the country - maybe a complete lifestyle change was what he needed. And it seemed to work. He was engrossed with his new job, and he was slowly but surely making friends in the city. 

When he saw the notification about his tenth reunion, he was somewhat relieved that he couldn’t attend. Seeing all of his friend’s faces again was tempting, sure, but he had worked hard to leave all of that behind him. His high school days were long over. But something in the back of his mind kept bugging him - a tiny  _ what if? _

_ What if Hanschen was there? _

And that question grew stronger and stronger until Ernst began to lose sleep over it and knew he had to answer it. He called his boss and he called the school to tell them that yes, he would be going, and he tried and failed to convince himself that he wasn’t going for the ridiculously low chance that he’d reconnect with an old flame. He’d been eighteen, for Christ’s sake - there was no way this was going to work out. So then why did he feel such a need to go?

And all of a sudden, there he was. Running towards Hanschen. Hugging Hanschen. Walking with his old friends and being welcomed in like he hadn’t disappeared for ten years. He was nearly able to let himself fall back into the ease of it all - and he wanted to. But whatever it was that drew him to Hanschen was still strong and  _ needy _ \- Ernst couldn’t ignore it forever. He had to talk to Hanschen, somehow, some way, and find out  _ what if? _

But Hanschen would hardly meet his gaze. Was he angry at Ernst? Or perhaps he’d been able to do what Ernst apparently never had and move on from their high school days. After all, he had been the one to break things off between them. Ernst had been reassured that the lovely woman Hanschen brought with him was merely a friend, but still, what if there was someone else? What if Ernst was here and looking like a fool because Hanschen didn’t care at all?

But still, he kept reminding himself, he had to find out. To be sure. 

So they piled onto a bus with some other alumni to head out to the farm for a class activity of some sort, and Ernst managed to slide into the seat next to Hanschen. He certainly looked flustered, and Ernst worried that he’d made a mistake. What was he supposed to say?

“You don’t mind if I sit here, do you?”

“No, go ahead.”

The bus rumbled to a start and headed out of the main gates. Hanschen had his head turned towards the green fields rolling by them.

“Where are you living these days?” Hanschen looked slightly surprised that Ernst was speaking to him.

“I’m still in the city,” he said. “Not much reason to leave. And you? Still in California?”

Ernst shook his head.

“I moved about a year ago. I’m up in Boston.”

“New job?” Ernst nodded.

“New everything. I had a Hell of a year, so I just up and redid what I could. I hope it’s not my midlife crisis.” Hanschen laughed. 

“No, I think it’s a bit early for that.”

They sat for a moment, neither sure of what to say. The bus rattled to a stop on the gravel road of the farm, and the doors opened before either could continue the conversation.

“Ernst?” Ernst stopped as he was standing up to exit the bus and turned back to Hanschen, who was still seated.

“Yes?”

“I’ve missed you.”


	7. Chapter 7

There’s a lot that can’t be said with words, can’t be expressed with gestures or images or sounds of any kind at all. How do you tell someone what they mean to you when you don’t know yourself? So Hanschen said “I’ve missed you” because he didn’t know how to say what he’s thinking, because he didn’t know what that was in the first place.

Hanschen stood up and followed Ernst off the bus.

Had he blown his chance?

The yard of the farm was buzzing with a strange mix of both members of his class and people who were there for their fifteenth reunion - neither group was quite big enough to merit its own event, he guessed. There were a few people playing the cornhole that had been set up, but mostly alumni were just milling around and talking to old friends, as well as enjoying the school-sponsored drinks. 

“I never thought they’d be encouraging this behavior,” Ilse joked as she passed a cocktail to Hanschen. It was probably made with some of their farm-grown fruit or something like that; they loved local stuff now more than ever. Hanschen didn’t even have to force the smile that came when he thought about the time Ilse got incredibly drunk and rolled down the snow-covered golf course - and he’d followed right after her.

He glanced around to survey the scene. He didn’t feel too bad about not being with Anna, as she was currently occupied in telling Thea, Martha, and Moritz some fantastic story with a lot of hand gestures. Melchior and Otto were playing an intense game of cornhole (and it looked like Otto was dominating), and Ilse had already slipped off to talk to Wendla and Georg. That left Ernst, standing alone, with a glass of pear lemonade in his hand. He caught Hanschen’s eyes and smiled, lifting his glass in something of a wave, so Hanschen walked over to join him.

He didn’t know why, because as soon as he reached Ernst’s side, his brain stopped working and he couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Luckily, Ernst spoke first.

“I should have called,” he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth in a frantic rush. “I should have called, or written, or  _ something _ . I shouldn’t have let you walk away like that; I should have pushed to stay in touch, future be damned.” He stared down at his glass. “I regret not having done that. I never wanted to lose you.”

Hanschen stood, stunned. Ernst registered his silence with fear in his eyes.

“Oh God, but maybe  _ you  _ wanted to. I always assumed you were lying for your own sake - you did that a lot, you know - but oh God, you wanted me to leave, didn’t you? You said you missed me to be nice and now I’m making a fool out of myself again because I can’t read you because I never could understand you, is that it?” Ernst was taking frantic breaths now, and Hanschen instinctively put a hand to Ernst’s back.

“No, no, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Ernst said. “I don’t know why I’m so worked up. It’s just that it’s been ten years and this is a lot for me right now.” He laughed, but it seemed forced. “I’m acting like I’m eighteen again.”

“I feel like I’m eighteen again,” Hanschen said. “And I wasn’t lying, I promise. I really  _ have _ missed you.  _ I  _ should have kept in touch; it was stupid of me not to.”

“I got married,” Ernst said, and Hanschen was taken aback. “But that didn’t work out. Nothing has. I don’t know why I came. I was hoping… I was hoping…”

“That maybe this would make sense again?” Ernst nodded. “Nothing’s worked out for me, either, Ernst. Not in love, I guess.”

“I thought it was silly to wish all my problems would be solved by seeing you, but-”

“It can’t hurt to try?” Ernst laughed again, this one more genuine.

“God, I feel like I’m in some corny movie. It can’t be this easy.” Hanschen shrugged.

“If you want, we can make it harder, but I think after everything, we deserve something easy.” Hanschen looked around to see if any of his friends were watching - if they were, they were being more subtle than they’d been when they were teens. “I’m not saying we’re getting married tomorrow or anything, but I wouldn’t mind giving this a try again.” He reached out and Ernst took hold of his hand and squeezed it.

“Just like old times, huh?”

“No. Better.”

_ Hanschen waits nervously in the common room for Ernst to show up. They’d gone to Homecoming together last year, but this year is different. The door opens up and Ernst appears in a suit that’s just a little short on his gangly legs. Hanschen jumps to his feet. _

_ “I got you this,” he says, extending the rose in his hand. Ernst laughs, covering his mouth with his hand. _

_ “That’s so sweet. Are you ready to go?” _

_ “Almost. I...Ernst...I…” Ernst patiently waits for him to find the right words. “Will you go out with me?” Ernst’s eyes go wide. _

_ “Like…” Hanschen nods. “Can I kiss you?” Hanschen nods again, and Ernst grabs him by the lapels and pulls him in for a kiss. It’s about as awkward as two teenage boys could be, but neither cares because it’s like breathing air for the first time - refreshing, natural, and wholly beautiful. They pull away, and look into each other’s eyes, grinning like idiots. _

_ “Let’s do that again.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking with me! I had no idea how to end this fic that I've been working on for a year and a half, but here's an ending and it's done and I could put more in but I don't know that I will (maybe an epilogue of some kind but don't get your hopes too high - writing is harder than it used to be!)

**Author's Note:**

> [theater tumblr](http://thereinkiss.tumblr.com/) [main tumblr](http://zartharn.tumblr.com) [twitter](https://twitter.com/slickarus)


End file.
